The people of my 2014 (A thank You letter to the people who helped me survive a heartbreaking year)

   Earl caught me writing my self reflection 

This is the year I found the hardest to look back to. In all of the 36 years I've walked on planet earth, I've had my fair share of victories and triumphs, pain and defeat - but nothing prepared me for the pain that this year brought into my life.

I remember clearly that at the start of this year, I was already feeling a restlessness so disturbing it almost consumed me. How it happened, i'll have to borrow John green's words - slowly and then all at once. I lost interest in the work that I do. My passion for all things artsy and aesthetic fizzled out. There was no fire in my belly. I was tried many times with loss, people stole from me, provisions have at one point become scarce and everything else I used to have the remotest pleasure with were either damaged, destroyed or just flat-out lost its' novelty. That's not even the hardest part. I can't hear the Lord - such that no amount of solace and comfort can quiet my spirit. And then the worst happened. We lost tito Willy and a few days later, we lost his child and my sister in all things that matter, my dearest Ate Wilva. I know of grief because I read about it - but now I don't just know OF it, I know it. I felt it. And it's the single most painful feeling there ever is in the world. No words ever concocted, created, invented could ever explain how I felt in that moment - to think this happened while I was in a strange city with strange people speaking a different language than mine in a new workplace felt like I was being run over by a bus and hit by a prizefighter all at the same time everyday in a non-stop fashion. For the first time since I came to know the Lord, I asked Him why. How I came out alive amidst all that is a testament of God's grace and mercy. My God-given friends never made me feel like I was alone. And my Earl carried some of the pain with me. I understand now why they call it "better half" "kabiyak" and all that because just having him beside me lessens the pain because he carries half of the pain. I know he would have taken all of the pain away and carried it all himself if he could because I'd gladly do the same with him in a heartbeat.

But the Lord is good, with the pain came healing. He spoke to me through the pain and I heard Him. And by His mercy and grace everyone pained by the loss of both tito willy and ate wil, are now rising up from the ashes unto a beautiful new beginning in the Lord. 

My year wasn't all thorns and heavy crosses though, God has been very generous with me, sinner that I am. I'm blessed in ways that truly matter. Some if these were

1. A trip to Ilocos and northern luzon with my closest friends.

2. The time I spent with my dear dear Ate Pura whom I miss terribly and with whom I've had the grandest of time with in Manila Cebu and Bohol not to mention being blessed with LOADS and I mean LOOAAADS of pasalubong from the US (hehehehehe)

3. A time to bond with my closest friends and just chill 

4. And again at Bantayan making memories that are golden

5. All the awesome (free) adventures c/o the very generous madam Erl with the super awesome little kid Bianca especially our Shangri-la escapade and the chance encounter with the hottie Mateo and also the South Invasion and the chance to bond with the gentle giant of the sea 

6. Happy High School Reunions

7. And before the year ended, a dream job! I've never been more scared of not passing the trial and observation period than now - but at the same time, I already know that the Lord already has everything planned. So, right now, I'm riding the wave with such swagger, nit caring how this will pan out. God is able and He will. Period. 

    With the dearest angels from Cubao

 

So I guess the fitting end to this blog is a big thank you note to the people of my 2015

Baby Earl, I love you. I'd be incomplete without you. You truly are my better half. 

Mommy Tess, thank you. I know love because you love so fiercely without reservation. Thank you for never getting tired of giving to all of us up until now. We'll do Europe soon, God willing, I promise you that. 

Manong Toots, Ace, Manong Jet, Manang Pal, Tita Cris, Mama Yay, my sisters in law, Tyne Beng Jem Nins, Te shine and fam, all of my cousins, my darling pamangkins, JayJepoyJam, my uncles/aunts - they say you never get to choose family. They're yours whether you like each other or not. Well, I'm glad. Because I've got the best people as family. In another lifetime, I'd still choose every single one of you. 

Mayet Balvez Capiones, we're so alike (sometimes, in the face also, hahaha) we're like two peas in a pod. People regard us as emotional because we get VERY high and also VERY low in life. But that isn't such a bad thing especially that Jesus was a "feeler" Himself. He wept, he laughed, he felt pity, he dined with friends - He was a man of emotions. And for that alone we are so blessed to be like this. Thank you for sufferring with me Yet, for taking time to call me EVERYDAY, praying for me and sharing my pain. I love you and let's be twins forever. (PS, pls don't disappear this 2015 okay? This might be the year you'll fall inlove AND someone else will FALL right there with you - do i hear an amen there - and forget you have friends!)

Gang, I miss you. It's never been about words between us. We understand each other deeply words will just get in the way. Whatever soulmates are for, ayt?

Mich, I don't know why just seeing your sweet, yahoo-messenger like face is enough encouragement for me. Maybe it's due to the fact that you're my kinugos  or that we've gone a long way or maybe it's the fact that you have never stopped pursuing the Lord endear you to me completely. Thank you for the prayers Mics and for ALWAYS in a consistent fashion making your presence felt in my life, especially when I needed it most. 

Sis Hazel Gdang Jun Dags Chard Mond Yan BroDondon Nikapye Ate Cleofe Phoeb Shey Baroro - everyone else I've failed to mention (God I hope I didn't forget anyone)  I CONSIDER MYSELF A RICH WOMAN because each of you are a treasure worthier than gold. 

And lastly, my love, my Ate Wilva, I'll hold on to Jesus till I see you again - this song is for you

                     HOMESICK

                     By Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

And to the God who holds my future in his hands, the God of joyful endings, beautiful beginnings and victorious in-betweens - I LOVE YOU. I give You the free rein to rule over my life Lord, be the Master, take the wheel. Knowing that you are there quiets my heart and assures me of a victorious 2015. May my life be a song glorifying You in my life, Amen. 

T.H.R.I.V.E

It's amazing what one year of hiatus can do to you. I think I have been in that stage, all things considered. True, I was working (seemingly) but didn't have the passion and fire in the belly to show for it. I had nothing, an unfortunate truth I am certainly not proud of. I just can't fake things. I'm transparent that way. So, when finally things had to end, it wasn't at all a surprise that I felt relieved. I couldn't anymore sham it up - especially that some people are really awesome with me more than I deserve, well, two people in particular. So now that it has ended, I wish more than anything I can say I am ready to begin again, only, I am not - and pretense is not at all me. And in the midst of all the apparent nothingness - I am blessed to still hear God's gentle whisper, I am made for so much more than an ordinary life. So, here I am, in the precipice, ostensibly ready to fall but right along expecting to also fly. It's time.

THRIVE, Casting Crowns

Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died
Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God, we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls with one desire

Just to know You and to make You known
We lift Your name on high
Shine like the sun, make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more than ordinary lives
Its time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Into Your word, were digging deep
To know our Fathers heart
Into the world, were reaching out
To show them who You are

Joy unspeakable, faith unsinkable
Love unstoppable, anything is possible

Best Book Reads of 2013

I finished 122 books in 2013 and I was itching, burning and tickling to write about my top 10 best reads for that year. Admittedly though, most of those who made it to my list were 2012 releases but since I got to read it last year, it still counted. So, in no particular order, here are my 5+++ favorite books for Year 2013:

1.      Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Travis Maddox – need I say more? He kind of ruined it for other book heroes out there for me. He is the perfect blend of alpha-male, Neanderthal, caveman-like romantic who is also as sweet as caramel on top of crème brulee. Oh my freakin’ goodness, there’s just no one else out there like him. His humor also made me roll in bed like some friggin’ maniac laughing until my stomach hurt. Abby was just a plus but then again, she was perfect for him so it really did work. Well-written, slow-building love story with the right kind of angst and humor – it was absolutely perfect. It’s the kind that makes me see why I’m so hooked on books. And by the way, Walking Disaster, released sometime in 2013 was a winner in more ways than one. (I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m totally cheating here and putting in 2 books in one count, haha)

2.      Hopeless by Colleen Hoover

I rarely read the same book twice. This book, I did thrice. My emotions ran on a haywire with this one – twisted my gut, made me want to throw the book away (or my e-reader, which I didn’t do for obvious reasons), made me cry a copious amount of tears and sighed in relief when they finally made it to the end. It’s a story I felt heart and soul and took a piece of me when it ended. Colleen Hoover’s writing is more than excellent. It’s FANTABULOUS in ways that count. And (okay, another cheat)  LOSING HOPE, spoken in Dean’s POV, is as perfect as the first one. So yeah, absolutely, 5 super-shiny, swoony stars.

3.      Love Unscripted & Love Unrehearsed by Tina Reber

Okay, so let’s pretend I didn’t just put in two titles there and consider the Love Series just one book because in essence, it actually does feel like they are 2 books in one (oh God, I’m not even making sense now, but what the heck this is my blog and my list so I can do as I please haha) No, really, it just doesn’t feel right for them to be standalones. You have to get to the 2^nd one to really appreciate Ryan and Tarryn’s love story. I tell ya I was soooooo into it. It felt all too familiar, too real, too similar to the story of a couple I was once fangirling to the highest level it felt wrong. I guess it also helped that the entire time I was reading it, I was picturing Liam Hemsworth as Ryan and KStew, Tarryn (haha) Seriously, one gets to have a peek at how shitty Hollywood life can be through these books. Makes me wonder why they put up with all the crazy that went with it and on the flip side, made me appreciate some people who in the midst of all the madness, choose to go about their lives sticking to their guns and holding on to their convictions and staying true to their core. Anyhoo, Ryan and Tarryn made it work, so did some A-listers in the land of pines. If you get to read them, you’d know I’m making a lot of sense right now hahahaha.

4.      Gabriel’s Inferno by Sylvain Reynard

This was the book that did a number on me. In the world of contemporary literature where I get to read more books than I can possibly count, I rarely find a book hero I can relate in ways that matter more than him. For one, this was essentially a story of how a sinner, believing he is beyond saving, lived a semi-hopeless, hellish (thus, the title) life in pursuit of everything temporary. That was until she met, Julia, a pure soul who would be instrumental in his finding his way back home & unto God’s redemptive love that freed him and allowed him to live a happy life. His journey became too personal for me as he struggled between self-deprecation to finally accepting God’s forgiveness and finally, freedom. Because the story gutted me to epic levels, I became obsessively interested with the author so I went ahead and googled him. I wasn’t at all surprised to find he is a devout Catholic, very much involved in the Franciscan community, chosen not to be a religious but in fact, lived with the Franciscans during a time of self-reflection. He kept his true identity hidden and went by a pen name for his work and really maintained his anonymity. I love his writing to tiny bits and pieces. His succeeding works Gabriel’s Rapture and Gabriel’s Redemption (that’s +2 on the count hahaha, cheater!) were also masterpieces. I give 5 ++ heart-warming super nova hot stars for the 3 books.

5.      Tangled by Emma Chase

How do I describe a book that literally made me LMAO without exaggeration!!! This book was entertaining in the funniest way possible. Should’ve been a typical boy-meets-girl story but the writing was unbelievably brilliant you’ll laugh until it hurts. Anyway, back to the story, like I said it was of a boy who met a girl who annoys the hell outta him because he is essentially attracted to her and he is fighting it to kingdom come. Their banters come to life like you’re staring at a movie screen than reading words. Trust me, IT’S THAT GOOD. I have yet to find a review that doesn’t commend it. Fact is, this book won in Goodread’s Book of the Year in whatever category(sorry, I forgot which one, my bad). I voted for it too.  I read Tangled 1.5, the sequel which is a novella (another +1 on the count, bwahahahaha) which was titled Holy Frigging Matrimony and again, it made me laugh like crazy. As some reviews would say, this was Beautiful Disaster meets Wallbanger so you can just imagine.

6.      Leo by Mia Sheridan

I think this is Ms. Sheridan’s first book and boy did she start with the loudest bang! I mean, this book was just W-O-W. I can’t even begin to explain it but maybe it was her writing, the plot, the element of mystery about Leo or probably all these put together that made this worth flipping the page until the wee hours of the morning. And well, since I’ve been doing this since the first count, I’ll decide to be consistent and say that her next book titled LEO’S CHANCE which is written in Leo’s POV is a perfect follow-up. It had the same if not more intensity that the first one and I loved loved loved it a whole heap. Easily, Mia’s my next favourite author to Abbi Glines and I am in constant watch of her new releases like a hawk. She is that good.

7.      Vincent Boys/Vincent Brothers by Abbi Glines

I massively admire ALL of Abbi Glines’ work but Vincent Boys and Vincent Brothers are my top two favorites. Oh wait, I have to take that back. I’m not into her Existence series – I do not have any feelings for them at all. I mean I don’t really dislike it but I also don’t like it, you know what I mean. I’m not really into Paranormal reads (with the exception of a certain Vampire series  that well, got me started into this reading frenzy but I got over those books sooner than I expected so I refuse to even mention them anymore hahahahaha) Okay, back to the Vincent Boys, Abbi really has a way with words – she weaves stories that pull at my heartstrings and make me so damn emotional I keep crying. Both books have the perfect blend of angst and sweetness, unrequited love and some family drama, a lot of exasperating guessing games and heroes that go alpha-male on their ladyloves. These books are packed with emotional depth you keep flipping pages to get to the end and then feel devastated once it’s over.

8.      Stinger by Mia Sheridan

A corporate girl falling for a male hooker. An unusual coupling with a fabulously romantic plot. Pretty woman reversed. Carson and Grace story is both heartbreaking and heartwarming, it made me laugh, cry, and swoon!! I highly recommend it for everyone!! 5 stars all the way!

9.      One Tiny Lie, K.A Tucker

Another killer of a story. KA Tucker writes really good she makes the characters alive. It’s a deeply moving tale of a scarred heroine and a guy with a deep secret whom she falls in love with. There’s a lot to like in this book than just the main characters. As a matter of fact, the sequels are pretty much 5 star reads themselves (Ten Tiny Breaths, Four Seconds to Lose)

10. Real, Katy Evans

Riptide made me cry a river. I don’t even know why. I thought for sure after Travis there won’t be a fighter I’d fall in love with. He changed that. This book was a pure win. There’s just something about Riptide that twists my gut. I can’t even begin to explain. This is surely 5 ripping stars for me.

There goes my top ten book reads for 2013 which, if you notice, is essentially 18 books in all. Hahaha I actually have plenty of runner ups and some more 5 star reads under that list but I’m keeping it to the minimum so let’s just stick to that. And besides, I really am tired now I should stop. I’m itching to read so I can keep up with my 2014 reading challenge. Next up, my list (and I mean just a list, without the review) plus the rating of the books I read for 2013. Goodnight book junkies!! 

My Year in Numbers

I'm happy there's instagram. It makes the job of going back the past year really easy.  I only had to go through my ig posts to see where I've been and what happened to my life the past year. That's totally cool, right?

That's exactly what i did and even I am surprised that last year seemed uneventful. To be honest, I found it a bit hard to pick out momentous occassions. I may even be brave and say that at one point, my life came to a standstill. Am I imagining it or is it that enjoyment for me has taken on a totally different meaning than what I used to. Color me mature but I must have really mellowed down. Ha ha go figure.

Anyhoo, here's a roundup of my 2013 in numbers. They're not in order of importance. I'm just writing at random, so count away!!

10 (ten)

This year, Earl and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Has it really been that long? What can I say, I've been blessed with the most awesome man for a husband. He's my best friend, buddy, confidant, encourager, comforter, my greatest gift. Because of him, I am even more certain the Lord loves me. How else could this kind of a man find me and love me like he does. I know love because God loved me first and I know love because I'm living my own epic romance.

Thank You Lord for 10 beautiful years of wedded bliss. Earl and I pray that in Your mercy, You keep turning water into wine for us like in the first wedding of Cana.

17 (Seventeen)

That's the total number of people who graced my 35th birthday which I jointedly celebrated with the hansam June Vincent. I'm so blessed with the most awesome friends in the whole universe. Thank You Lord.

1 (One)

If I have to pick out one extremely happy, totally rockin' memory for 2013, this trip to Honkong and Macau would be it. I have every single lucid detail imprinted in my mind. By far the most epic, monumental six (6) days of 2013 for us.

  I wrote about this here : 

http://iamsugarandspice.blogspot.com/2013/03/travel-diary-hk-macau-awesomeness-our-6.html

122 (One Hundred Twenty-Two)

I finished 122 books in 2013. What can I say, I'm a voracious reader. I have a love affair with books that I don't have any intention of breaking. I had to make a list, sorta like an inventory of those I've read coz one time I read something halfway through and realized I was done with it (obviously, it's forgettable or I wouldn't have committed that blunder haha). Thus, the list. 

Next on this blog is my Top 10 reads for 2013. Watch out for it!! (Clue: photo above haha)

3 (Three)

I've been to three mini-reunions with my DB buddies. It's always explosive and fun. We're a bunch of whacked out dudes, so you can just imagine. 

First Photo: Ayala Meet-up sometime July

Second Photo: Salay's Bday, Lighthouse Resto, August 30, 2013

Third Photo: Open Mic, September 2013

We'll have to top the count this year guys. Please.

2 (two)

We've been hit by two devastating events for 2013, the Bohol quake and the killer typhoon Yolanda. There are no words to describe the heartbreak I felt for our brothers and sisters affected by these calamities. You'd think after all these we'll be knocked down on our knees with no strength left to rise. No sir. Propelled by our faith in the God whose love is unchanging, we held on as a people and a nation. We prayed more, gave more & hoped more. Help poured in like rain. With God's grace, we're slowly rising on our feet. We are being rebuilt and restored. There is hope in humanity and an even bigger FAITH that God who sees will pull us through. We just have to believe.

Yolanda also gave me and my group of friends the chance to be nameless individuals who went out & gave what little we have to help out. We went out to bring hope and received enourmous freedom and joy in return. That was one experience i'll carry with me forever. The same one that showed there truly is no measure to the joy of giving.

4 (Four)

I made a pact with 4 people last year -  to meet on a regular basis, catch up and touch base and never lose the bond we have with each other. Boy we're we faithful. Oh and guess how many times we went out last year? Five. Yes, we're promise-keepers like that.

March 2013, Cafe Laguna

Mine & June's bday celeb, Joven's Grill, May 31, 2013

Manggahan, October 2013

Radisson, November 30, 2013

Mandarin Hotel, December 2013

Next schedule, Post Valentine's date 

And the BIGGEST EVENT, JUNE's graduation party (hay salamat, manlibre si binsen, yayyyyy)

Lookin' forward to the next one loves.

3 (three)

Last year I was honored and blessed to have met and work with 3 remarkably amazing women that I really admire big time. They are advanced in years but still at the top of their game. While other women their age are content spending their retirement money going on vacation and simply staying at home (nothing wrong, in fact I may be doing the same when I reach my prime, IF the Lord allows hehe) they spend their hours managing their people, thinking up strategies to better their respective units and work at putting UV on top. They are the most hardworking, passionate, big-hearted women at their prime. Apart from my Mom, they're my role models career wise. I could only hope i'll be half as good as them when I reach that age.

Dr. Zosima Panares, Dean of the Graduate School

Dr. Nerissa Lopez, Dean of the College of Education

Rosemarie Espanol, CPA, Senior Finance Officer and Dean of the College of BA 

The past year I've been to one explosive concert (PlanetShakers), been to Oslob twice (still at the top of my go-to vacation places in Cebu), went home to my hometown twice (these were some of my most relaxed, quiet and restful travels of all time, of course I'd grab a chance to be with my family each time) and towards the end of the year, achieved my goal of losing weight (yayyyy, 11 pounds down is a good number, right?)

In brief 2013 was a year I was faced with a lot of life changing choices. I've never been in so much crossroads that left me fearful, anxious, panicky but also excited and hopeful. I was so used to having the Lord choose for me. So when I felt I had to make a conscious choice without His direction, I panicked. I can't seem to hear His voice & that is a really scary thing for me. But the Lord is good all the time. He was there, all along. My prayer is always that I be in the center of His will where it's safest. And even if at times it felt like I made wrong turns, He was there. And He worked it out unto good each time. This doesn't give me the push to be careless in my choices but to rest in the knowledge that I am a child of the living God, therefore I can punch fear in the face because I am taken care of and loved no matter what. I'm a lot braver now, enough to embrace ambiguity and not have to make a choice just for the sake of having one. But when I have to, I'm brave enough to face whatever the consequences head on.

To end my roundup of the past year, let me just put in the 3 most important life lessons 2013 gave me:

1. What doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger. And what a sap I am that while writing this, there are tears in my eyes. It's been common knowledge that I left a place of safety & comfort. I've been there for long and loved every minute of it till the last days. But when it's time to leave, you'll know. And i did, so I left. After that was madness and confusion. I can't seem to find home. I was in search of something I can't point my finger to. The fact that I didn't know what I want is what frustrates me to no end. So I started with something I do not want and took it from there. That journey of confusion, self-loathing, disappointment and despair led me to where I am now. I thought for sure all the madness will kill me inside. Wrong. I've never felt more alive, more capable and stronger. I relish all the bawl-my-eyes-out moments I've had with the Lord in that quiet place in search for answers - because that's where I found "The Answer". It's the Lord. It's always been Him.

2. Remember the choices I wrote about earlier, well second most important lesson of my life is that WHEN FACED WITH THE DILEMMA OF choosing between safety&security over passion&creativity, I'LL CHOOSE THE LATTER EACH TIME. What a relief once I learned that about myself. Modesty put aside, there were offers of a sure and steady career in companies that are really up there and stable but I found the courage to turn it down coz it didn't offer up much in the way of passion and creativity. My logical self would want to grab it but the larger part of me that operated on instinct begs to be heard. That's when I knew. Maybe that was how the Lord was teaching me how to choose. To listen to my heart coz that's where He writes His will. I know it's the right one coz the moment I made the choice, there's peace

3. Lastly, I'm surprised to find out how I stick to my guns. So the third most important lesson I've had the past year is really one of self-discovery. I know now that no matter how and what people's opinion of my choices are, i'll stick to my guns. Not for the sake of being stubborn or making a point but that I have established that this is actually my life. Mine. My life, my choice. It's between God and me. Period. So I've learned to tune out people's opinion of the choices I make but keep my ears and heart open to godly friends who have  my best interests at heart. Them, I make accountable for me. That's so they'll pray for me. They don't have a choice. We carry each other's burdens. We're loving that way.

I thank You Lord for 2013 - the good, the bad and the in-betweens. Thank You for surprising me with a tremendous amount of learning experiences that made me come out stronger, bolder and braver.

My future is uncertain but You O God have and hold it in Your hand. So I give to You my fears, anxieties and worries. Have Your unhindered way in me. Lord it over my 2014. Bless Earl and I with Your presence, protection and provision In Jesus name, Amen.