I remember clearly that at the start of this year, I was already feeling a restlessness so disturbing it almost consumed me. How it happened, i'll have to borrow John green's words - slowly and then all at once. I lost interest in the work that I do. My passion for all things artsy and aesthetic fizzled out. There was no fire in my belly. I was tried many times with loss, people stole from me, provisions have at one point become scarce and everything else I used to have the remotest pleasure with were either damaged, destroyed or just flat-out lost its' novelty. That's not even the hardest part. I can't hear the Lord - such that no amount of solace and comfort can quiet my spirit. And then the worst happened. We lost tito Willy and a few days later, we lost his child and my sister in all things that matter, my dearest Ate Wilva. I know of grief because I read about it - but now I don't just know OF it, I know it. I felt it. And it's the single most painful feeling there ever is in the world. No words ever concocted, created, invented could ever explain how I felt in that moment - to think this happened while I was in a strange city with strange people speaking a different language than mine in a new workplace felt like I was being run over by a bus and hit by a prizefighter all at the same time everyday in a non-stop fashion. For the first time since I came to know the Lord, I asked Him why. How I came out alive amidst all that is a testament of God's grace and mercy. My God-given friends never made me feel like I was alone. And my Earl carried some of the pain with me. I understand now why they call it "better half" "kabiyak" and all that because just having him beside me lessens the pain because he carries half of the pain. I know he would have taken all of the pain away and carried it all himself if he could because I'd gladly do the same with him in a heartbeat.
But the Lord is good, with the pain came healing. He spoke to me through the pain and I heard Him. And by His mercy and grace everyone pained by the loss of both tito willy and ate wil, are now rising up from the ashes unto a beautiful new beginning in the Lord.
My year wasn't all thorns and heavy crosses though, God has been very generous with me, sinner that I am. I'm blessed in ways that truly matter. Some if these were
1. A trip to Ilocos and northern luzon with my closest friends.
2. The time I spent with my dear dear Ate Pura whom I miss terribly and with whom I've had the grandest of time with in Manila Cebu and Bohol not to mention being blessed with LOADS and I mean LOOAAADS of pasalubong from the US (hehehehehe)
3. A time to bond with my closest friends and just chill
4. And again at Bantayan making memories that are golden
5. All the awesome (free) adventures c/o the very generous madam Erl with the super awesome little kid Bianca especially our Shangri-la escapade and the chance encounter with the hottie Mateo and also the South Invasion and the chance to bond with the gentle giant of the sea
6. Happy High School Reunions
7. And before the year ended, a dream job! I've never been more scared of not passing the trial and observation period than now - but at the same time, I already know that the Lord already has everything planned. So, right now, I'm riding the wave with such swagger, nit caring how this will pan out. God is able and He will. Period.
With the dearest angels from Cubao
So I guess the fitting end to this blog is a big thank you note to the people of my 2015
Baby Earl, I love you. I'd be incomplete without you. You truly are my better half.
Mommy Tess, thank you. I know love because you love so fiercely without reservation. Thank you for never getting tired of giving to all of us up until now. We'll do Europe soon, God willing, I promise you that.
Manong Toots, Ace, Manong Jet, Manang Pal, Tita Cris, Mama Yay, my sisters in law, Tyne Beng Jem Nins, Te shine and fam, all of my cousins, my darling pamangkins, JayJepoyJam, my uncles/aunts - they say you never get to choose family. They're yours whether you like each other or not. Well, I'm glad. Because I've got the best people as family. In another lifetime, I'd still choose every single one of you.
Mayet Balvez Capiones, we're so alike (sometimes, in the face also, hahaha) we're like two peas in a pod. People regard us as emotional because we get VERY high and also VERY low in life. But that isn't such a bad thing especially that Jesus was a "feeler" Himself. He wept, he laughed, he felt pity, he dined with friends - He was a man of emotions. And for that alone we are so blessed to be like this. Thank you for sufferring with me Yet, for taking time to call me EVERYDAY, praying for me and sharing my pain. I love you and let's be twins forever. (PS, pls don't disappear this 2015 okay? This might be the year you'll fall inlove AND someone else will FALL right there with you - do i hear an amen there - and forget you have friends!)
Gang, I miss you. It's never been about words between us. We understand each other deeply words will just get in the way. Whatever soulmates are for, ayt?
Mich, I don't know why just seeing your sweet, yahoo-messenger like face is enough encouragement for me. Maybe it's due to the fact that you're my kinugos or that we've gone a long way or maybe it's the fact that you have never stopped pursuing the Lord endear you to me completely. Thank you for the prayers Mics and for ALWAYS in a consistent fashion making your presence felt in my life, especially when I needed it most.
Sis Hazel Gdang Jun Dags Chard Mond Yan BroDondon Nikapye Ate Cleofe Phoeb Shey Baroro - everyone else I've failed to mention (God I hope I didn't forget anyone) I CONSIDER MYSELF A RICH WOMAN because each of you are a treasure worthier than gold.
And lastly, my love, my Ate Wilva, I'll hold on to Jesus till I see you again - this song is for you
HOMESICK
By Mercy Me
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
And to the God who holds my future in his hands, the God of joyful endings, beautiful beginnings and victorious in-betweens - I LOVE YOU. I give You the free rein to rule over my life Lord, be the Master, take the wheel. Knowing that you are there quiets my heart and assures me of a victorious 2015. May my life be a song glorifying You in my life, Amen.
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